Week 3: Becoming my own

During preparation for this trip, I was repeatedly reminded that my experiences will be very different from anyone else’s and that that was okay. I was encouraged to just “be,” to keep and open mind, and to enjoy the culture. I have been trying to do that but have experienced difficulty as I try to balance experiencing the culture with fitting in and still keeping what is important to me personally.

Firstly – and I am definitely going to sound like the typical youngest child when I say this – I feel like I’m following Denise’s footsteps but not filling them. Denise is the Beyond Borders student who did this placement and lived with this host family last year. From what I can gather, she learned to speak Ukranian before she came and developed a charity to help out Internat. She is still fluent in Ukranian and has been a translator on skype for my host family and I on a couple occasions. Denise, this is excellent and I admire all the effort you put forth. I on the other hand have zero experience with Ukranian language or culture when I arrived and wished it wasn’t as easy for my family to call up assistance. I feel like my host family is disappointed after having an ace like Denise. It’s not only that I couldn’t speak the language when I came . . . I still feel slower to pick it up. I am the youngest of three at home (or only, depending on how you look at it), but have never felt like I was being evaluated against or compared to my brothers. My host family often brings up Denise in conversation and I feel like they’re comparing me to her. It’s not their fault: maybe they’re trying to make conversation and they probably don’t realize it, but I feel like a dud. I feel inadequate. Even when I think about Denise’s Beyond Border legacy at home, I feel like I’m not living up to the standard she set. I had a more low-key fundraising technique but I too have grand ideas, and I’m sorry I feel the need to prove myself. I realize that my life is not Denise’s and that my interests/priorities are different, but I still feel like I should have scraped more time together in my day to practice Ukranian. When I think about what I would have had to do for that to happen (skipped tri practice, spent less time with family/friends/Jordan, reflected less and practiced more), I still feel like I made the right decision but also feel selfish for that since it is making it more difficult to develop relations here.  Usually I feel good about keeping a balance, so why do I feel like I should have tipped the scales more to the east?
I also feel like I’m disappointing my host family because I’m not normal. They like to watch TV whereas that’s the last thing I want to. I like to play sports and eat fruits and vegetables but it’s weird for women to play sports and who needs vitamins or fibre? I also get up before I need to, which is unheard-of.  For the first week, I tried to be like them (and, even though people are people and we love eachother, there is sometimes an 'us' and 'them'): I ate borscht for breakfast and dinner, joined them to watch TV in the evenings, and only used the internet when I was desperate for some contact from home. However, I soon learned that that is not necessarily the norm. People are people and people vary no matter where you are. Some traditions are saved and some are not, depending on the family. Like Nicole I wanted to experience my surroundings the way the locals do so, as grateful as I am,  I wasn’t excited about all the special treatment and sightseeing opportunities. I now realize, though, that even if I place myself in the same situation I will not have the same experience because of my different past. When it comes to living like the locals, a more appropriate attitude might be to use every resource I have available to me to its full extent because it might be gone tomorrow. That seems to be the mindset here.

I have tried to fit in and I have gone into survival mode (exercising and buying my own food) to try to be more comfortable. Even though I’ve come to the conclusion that I will not fit in, should I keep trying or live and let live? I know balance is key, but where is it? Will I offend anyone by doing what makes me happy? These are a few of the questions I have posed to myself.

I am beginning to do more of what I want (eg. Not eating diary, doing sports) and worry less about offending people, but it feel kind of contrary to the cultural sensitivity aspect of Beyond Borders lessons. I am still looking for the balance between cultural sensitivity and survival. I imagine I’ll have to stop trying to guess what people are thinking and just take one day at a time.  I’ll keep an open mind to food and activities but also remember what I know is best for me.

Lastly, I’d like to make a note about self discovery and growth. I am wondering why people feel the need to travel for long periods of time, whether it’s for tourism, volunteerism, or volunteer. For me, it was curiosity and a goal that I’ve had since I was little, plus the fact that I am an experiential learner. Many programs are advertised as learning opportunities and opportunities for self discovery. Personally, I recognize that I have learned a lot about the world and myself through the Beyond Borders program but can’t help but think that those kinds of lessons could also be learned different ways. My current opinion is that life has a way of revealing to you what is important no matter what situation you put yourself in – or is it that life puts you in the necessary situation? I also wonder if we are discovering ourselves or changing ourselves. If I’ve learned anything in the last couple years, I’ve learned that people and life are full of change.  I think the quest for understanding oneself deeper could be more of a quest for forming yourself further (retrospective vs. prospective). I also wonder if that is different depending on experiences or if people have a way of forming their character through perspective and not particular situations. (Eg. What I get from this placement could be the same a friend helping someone through a trying time or another person watching the news and reading tons of books. Could the news and books or guidance have had the same effect on me?) I am also taking part in the placement because I would like to become more globally aware – does that stem form a personality trait I have yet to “discover” or is it me trying to be the best version of myself? What’s the point of learning about yourself if you are not going to somehow use that information to make a change (even if that change is simply acceptance)?
I would love to hear your views about these questions - please don't hesitate to comment!

Just so you know, my further blogs will be more like thoughts and less like a weekly recap. I intend on making a slideshow and telling the funny little stories to recap whereas I’d like to use this blog to develop some thoughts and connect on more specific experiences.