Я не говорю по-українсвкі

Okay, so I’m a bit flustered  - I just used my new language skills to order noncarbonated water and was told flat by the waitress that she couldn’t understand because she doesn’t speak English. I was confused because I was sure I had said it in Ukranian, and because I have practiced the trm many times in class. Again, I said what sounds like “vadda bez hazzo, bude-laska” (water without gas please), only to be met with blank stares and nervous giggles. Considering today was my graduation from the course “Survival Ukranian,” I am a bit flustered. After all, water is key to survival.

This brings me to the topic of this blog: life with the infamous ‘Language Barrier.’ Welcome.

It’s a life of crossing your fingers when choosing from a menue and of hoping a smile can get you through. It’s a time of failed attempts and small victories; of listening and observing; and of balancing dependence with risk taking. Mostly, though, it’s a lesson in going with the flow.

The reason I have sat down to write this blog is a perfect example. After another exciting and  unpredictable afternoon at school – our activities range from beading to singing, dancing, hanging out in zorbs or taking a stroll downtown – I made my way home. When I got there, the door was locked and no one answered. I’m pretty sure (as sure as I can considering the circumstances) that the family I am living with only has one key since I was refused when I asked for one. The door is usually locked from the inside but the mom of the house is usually home so there’s no issue. Today was another storey . . .

I had spend the afternoon in the park with my tutors and classmates, but came home early to try to go for a run before dark. However, I arrived at a locked door with no signs of civilization. Surprises like this don’t bother me too much because I don’t really have any deadlines to meet and because they’re pretty typical. I’m not sure if it’s the culture of waiting and doing whatever, whenever or if it’s the lack of communication but there’s some kind of blockage for messages like “We won’t be home tonight.” Anyway, thirsty and annoyed but not flustered or upset, I made my way to a nearby café to wait. This is where my failed attempt at ordering took place.

Because I wasn’t understood when I ordered what I have always asked for, and because I needed to totally rely on charades and a random English speaker even after my catch-all course, I wonder what the actual hope of survival is for me this summer. I’m sure I’ll be able to get by when I have time to think, show and observe my surroundings, but what if I need to say something quickly? With my vocabulary limited to small-talk, will I ever actually get to know my billets or neighbours?

I know that learning a language takes time and that I have made progress but I am wondering if I am progressing as well as I should/could be. Everyone learns differently so I realize that I should be okay with going at my own pace but it feels pretty darn slow! In class, I felt like the way I was taught was not at all the way I learn so I ended up going home and re-doing the lesson to try to understand it better. Out of class I sometimes feel mute and deaf while other times I feel a toddler trying to get to know the world. On the bright side, what began nothing more than an array of sounds coming out of people’s mouths is turning into a pattern of recognizable words. I am really happy to be picking up the words I do because it’s proof that, whatever the rate, I am progressing. Thank goodness!

I also worry about my language development because I know I have a lot of patience for being misunderstood. I tend to think differently than most people, which works as an advantage as long as I can explain myself. Explaining a thought takes a lot more work here  so, in order to avoid exhaustion and arguments every time I have a different perspective, I am okay with accommodating and being misunderstood.  In Ukraine this trait keeps me sane but the easy-going attitude gives me less motivation to improve my speaking skills.

I feel like I am destined to be a listener because I want to understand even more than I yearn to speak.

Whatever the case, I think the key to survival here – besides water and other physical necessities – is to live in the moment. As an English-speaking student in Ukraine, all I can really do it go off on my own or go with the flow. Either way, I end up doing a lot of thinking.

One thing is for sure:  I have a new appreciation of language’s role in communication since not understanding a language has made me more interested in my own. This experience has also made me think of the importance of communication in learning styles and helped me to better understand the difficulties people have when they are isolated with a disability. I hope I can keep these lessons to share with others when they are encountering similarly difficult times.

Week 3: Becoming my own

During preparation for this trip, I was repeatedly reminded that my experiences will be very different from anyone else’s and that that was okay. I was encouraged to just “be,” to keep and open mind, and to enjoy the culture. I have been trying to do that but have experienced difficulty as I try to balance experiencing the culture with fitting in and still keeping what is important to me personally.

Firstly – and I am definitely going to sound like the typical youngest child when I say this – I feel like I’m following Denise’s footsteps but not filling them. Denise is the Beyond Borders student who did this placement and lived with this host family last year. From what I can gather, she learned to speak Ukranian before she came and developed a charity to help out Internat. She is still fluent in Ukranian and has been a translator on skype for my host family and I on a couple occasions. Denise, this is excellent and I admire all the effort you put forth. I on the other hand have zero experience with Ukranian language or culture when I arrived and wished it wasn’t as easy for my family to call up assistance. I feel like my host family is disappointed after having an ace like Denise. It’s not only that I couldn’t speak the language when I came . . . I still feel slower to pick it up. I am the youngest of three at home (or only, depending on how you look at it), but have never felt like I was being evaluated against or compared to my brothers. My host family often brings up Denise in conversation and I feel like they’re comparing me to her. It’s not their fault: maybe they’re trying to make conversation and they probably don’t realize it, but I feel like a dud. I feel inadequate. Even when I think about Denise’s Beyond Border legacy at home, I feel like I’m not living up to the standard she set. I had a more low-key fundraising technique but I too have grand ideas, and I’m sorry I feel the need to prove myself. I realize that my life is not Denise’s and that my interests/priorities are different, but I still feel like I should have scraped more time together in my day to practice Ukranian. When I think about what I would have had to do for that to happen (skipped tri practice, spent less time with family/friends/Jordan, reflected less and practiced more), I still feel like I made the right decision but also feel selfish for that since it is making it more difficult to develop relations here.  Usually I feel good about keeping a balance, so why do I feel like I should have tipped the scales more to the east?
I also feel like I’m disappointing my host family because I’m not normal. They like to watch TV whereas that’s the last thing I want to. I like to play sports and eat fruits and vegetables but it’s weird for women to play sports and who needs vitamins or fibre? I also get up before I need to, which is unheard-of.  For the first week, I tried to be like them (and, even though people are people and we love eachother, there is sometimes an 'us' and 'them'): I ate borscht for breakfast and dinner, joined them to watch TV in the evenings, and only used the internet when I was desperate for some contact from home. However, I soon learned that that is not necessarily the norm. People are people and people vary no matter where you are. Some traditions are saved and some are not, depending on the family. Like Nicole I wanted to experience my surroundings the way the locals do so, as grateful as I am,  I wasn’t excited about all the special treatment and sightseeing opportunities. I now realize, though, that even if I place myself in the same situation I will not have the same experience because of my different past. When it comes to living like the locals, a more appropriate attitude might be to use every resource I have available to me to its full extent because it might be gone tomorrow. That seems to be the mindset here.

I have tried to fit in and I have gone into survival mode (exercising and buying my own food) to try to be more comfortable. Even though I’ve come to the conclusion that I will not fit in, should I keep trying or live and let live? I know balance is key, but where is it? Will I offend anyone by doing what makes me happy? These are a few of the questions I have posed to myself.

I am beginning to do more of what I want (eg. Not eating diary, doing sports) and worry less about offending people, but it feel kind of contrary to the cultural sensitivity aspect of Beyond Borders lessons. I am still looking for the balance between cultural sensitivity and survival. I imagine I’ll have to stop trying to guess what people are thinking and just take one day at a time.  I’ll keep an open mind to food and activities but also remember what I know is best for me.

Lastly, I’d like to make a note about self discovery and growth. I am wondering why people feel the need to travel for long periods of time, whether it’s for tourism, volunteerism, or volunteer. For me, it was curiosity and a goal that I’ve had since I was little, plus the fact that I am an experiential learner. Many programs are advertised as learning opportunities and opportunities for self discovery. Personally, I recognize that I have learned a lot about the world and myself through the Beyond Borders program but can’t help but think that those kinds of lessons could also be learned different ways. My current opinion is that life has a way of revealing to you what is important no matter what situation you put yourself in – or is it that life puts you in the necessary situation? I also wonder if we are discovering ourselves or changing ourselves. If I’ve learned anything in the last couple years, I’ve learned that people and life are full of change.  I think the quest for understanding oneself deeper could be more of a quest for forming yourself further (retrospective vs. prospective). I also wonder if that is different depending on experiences or if people have a way of forming their character through perspective and not particular situations. (Eg. What I get from this placement could be the same a friend helping someone through a trying time or another person watching the news and reading tons of books. Could the news and books or guidance have had the same effect on me?) I am also taking part in the placement because I would like to become more globally aware – does that stem form a personality trait I have yet to “discover” or is it me trying to be the best version of myself? What’s the point of learning about yourself if you are not going to somehow use that information to make a change (even if that change is simply acceptance)?
I would love to hear your views about these questions - please don't hesitate to comment!

Just so you know, my further blogs will be more like thoughts and less like a weekly recap. I intend on making a slideshow and telling the funny little stories to recap whereas I’d like to use this blog to develop some thoughts and connect on more specific experiences.

Week 2: I'm doin' okay

Week 2: I’m doin’ okay

Firstly, the school cultural activities have gotten more up my alley. We were supposed to sing and dance this week and, even though we didn’t get to the dancing park, the singing we still a huge improvement from stringing together rows of beads. I wouldn’t say that I’m a fan of structure and so the precise, repetitive tasks don’t bode well with me. Neither does being dictated to, but in a culture of people coming fresh out of a communism mindset, that is something I need to get used to. The influence of the political processes of a country on daily life is remarkable.

You see, I like not having structure when it means society is more versatile and willing to listen to new ideas. However, I do not like it when it means I need to do whatever other people have planned whenever they want me to do it. This comes into play at school. I do appreciate all the different activities we get to do, but wish we had a little more say. The first instance of this came up when we were told we would learn to dance. This was great news for me because it was something I was really excited to do. We planned on dancing on one day so I got excited and dressed appropriately.  Instead, we sat and watch a concert all afternoon. That was good too, but a bit of a disappointment after I was all revved up for doing something active. I was disappointed because I wasn’t sure dancing would ever happen. IT did though, at the drop of a hat on another day. I was wearing a sundress that day but luckily brought shorts, anticipating the unexpected. Chris, who happened to be very good at dancing, wore jeans and was not so lucky. I could feel his disappointment as I remembered the frustration I felt when I couldn’t skate properly. Every day is an adventure and every day has its ups and downs. Although it’s difficult to build trust or depend on anything, I do appreciate the times when things work out.

This week, I got a little closer with my classmates. After a couple good conversations, I feel like a at least know a bit about their backgrounds and start to connect a little deeper. I have a strong believe in God and so I know I am never really alone, but I do really value the company from other people, whether it’s getting to know a friend better or a friendly smile in the park. I am still having my ups and downs but the ability to keep consistent connections with people at home helps a great deal. At least I can depend on that. Thanks for being there for me.

These are a few of my adventures and discoveries:

*I am not a museum person. I like to learn, but looking and walking doesn’t quite cut it, especially when the weather outside is beautiful.

*Found some trail mix!

*Had a test and did well, despite my lack of motivation.

*Milk and I don’t mix well. I occasionally get some pasteurized (I believe) yogurt at the grocery store but need to be very careful with any other dairy product and any other place to buy it. Even ice cream is nearing the no-buy list.

*Brie was having some troubles and I was really glad to be able to talk to her about them

*Kalyn, Brie and I had a chat about missing out boyfriends and went on a quest to find some cook T-shirts Kalyn saw (see the Facebook pics). Poor Chris has to put up with us . . .

*I saw kayakers and tried to go to a place to rent Kayaks (two days I tried). To m y disappointment, we couldn’t find anyone to help us but that won’t stop me. It looks like a commercial club so I plan on coming out in front of their place one afternoon to wait for someone to show up. I have been told that the lake is too dirty to swim in (although have seen swimmers in there already) but it would be nice to at least able to kayak. Any possibility of having someone be able to translate and help me is gone (another frustration of the language barrier and challenge to living here), but I’ll make do o ne of these days.

*I tried a Zorb. In this case, a Zorb is a large inflatable beach-ball-type-thing that can hold a person and that floats on water. It was fun but could be devastating if it leaks so I don’t think I’ll try it again.

*Visited some castles and the Dniester river (detailed description to follow)

Just so you know, I've run itno some camera issues but plan on eventually posting pictures to go with these blogs.

My New Outlook

Sunday was a nice day: I went to church, did some homework, and met with Brie to develop a work-out regime.

Church was a great experience. Here, the major religions are Orthodox or Ukranian Catholic. I went to the Ukranian Catholic mass thinking it would be the closest to Roman Catholic and because I wanted to see that religious life is like in the Ukraine. The first thing I notices was that there were so many families! Here, going to church is part of the daily routine. Sunday is even more special, though and the Church was packed with people even more than a Leafs game would be. It was full – there wasn’t even standing room so the mass was projected on loudspeakers outside. For me it was an experience but for most it’s routine.

When I got to my homework, I decided to make flashcards. Hopefully this will also be a valuable resource for the future Beyond Borders students and the people at Internat. I have trouble justifying putting all that work into something for myself but enjoy making them if they ca be used as teaching tools for others.

With regards to the work-out, it’s great to get back to routine activity and healthy food.

Week one: Done

Dyslexia, projectile vomit and heartache are what I will remember most clearly from my first week.

Maybe my countdown until homesickness began when I left for Romania or maybe it just hit me early but I had a rough start either way.

As many of you know, I need to take some language classes before I begin my placement at the orphanage. These language classes take place at Pergigogical University, which is locate in Ternopil, Ukraine. May 10, 2011 was my fist day of school there and has left a permanent mark in my memory. Here, I was expecting the standard summer workshop: get to know the basics during the day and then do some cultural stuff and get to know my family and environment at night. Although the routine is somewhat like that, the classes were far more intense than expected and the alternate alphabet was very difficult for me to handle.

Even on my first day, I didn’t feel as excited to be in Ukraine as the people around me seemed. That feeling was exaggerated by the motion sickness of the crowded, sweaty 45 minute bus ride to school, low blood sugar from less food than I was used to, and the feelings of dyslexia I felt when trying to read the Ukranian alphabet.

 For those of you who don’t know, the Ukranian alphabet is made up of some symbols that look and sound like ours, some that look but don’t sound similar, some that are backwards compared to ours and some without any resemblance. I distinctly remember feeling motion sickness from trying to straighten out and understand the letters with their corresponding sounds. Even in English, I am a slow reader and already I mix up letter like p/d/b and numbers like 4/7, 6/9, or 2/5. You an imagine my frustrations when trying to learn Ukranian!

Our classes are followed by lunch and then a cultural activity. Since we’re in Ukraine, I was excited to make Ukranian easter eggs. . .  that is until I learned it was the beaded variety.

I’d like to call this activity and initiation, but let’s call it a character builder. Unbeknowist to me, I – the one with the smallest attention span of the group I’m pretty sure – managed to choose the smallest beads and largest egg. Whatever we didn’t finish in class was homework so I, two weeks later, continued to work on my egg. I am now finally finished just before the course is done. After visiting many markets, festivals and exhibits, I have come to realize that detail isn’t only a part of the Easter egg. Rather, the small, repetitive style artwork is common in many crafts throughout Ukraine. I felt like I should finish the egg as a right of passage but have come to terms with the fact that this type of art is not for me. I much prefer creating the beauty of the perfect play (in a hockey game especially) or of running shoes worn done to the sole. I live on fresh air and activity.

Maybe it was the dancing alphabet, maybe the hundreds of tiny, multicolored beads or the stuffed, sweaty bus. Whatever the reason, I was not feeling well when I retourned to my host family at the end of Day 1. They tried to tell me to eat dinner but I couldn’t handle any green borscht. I managed to get a banana down but it came back up with the rest of my stomache contents soon after. It was less than half an hour after I got home that I was projectile vomiting all over the floor and my host family called Denise to translate for them. That was a messy night that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. The food was out of my stomache but I continued to vomit and have horrible, horrible stomache pains. I just wanted it to stop – I just wanted to go home – and I couldn’t hold back the tears or groans.

After a long night, I got up and made it to school, homework unfinished. I realize that it’s just as likely I got sick from lack of food culture shock or travelling as food poisoning but I still never look at this food with quite as open a mind.

For me, physical illness tends to go hand in hand with emotional distress. I took part in some really cool activities this week – a lot of sightseeing and a celebration with Ukranian music – but couldn’t shake the sick feeling. My first experience of normalness came at a Christain Rock concert in the park, when I played catch with a little boy while waiting for the music to start. Children are everywhere and I am at home with them because they don’t try to small-talk or put on any shields – they are their real selves and just like to play. I am also looking forward to Internat for that reason. I know there will not be your average children but am sure they will show their own special selves.  Besides those precious moments at the concert, it took me until Friday to start to feel okay.

What’s so special about Friday? On Friday, I found a grocery store and went skating. The diet here consists of mostly just a lot of carbs and I was under the impression that it wasn’t acceptable to women to exercise much. Wanting to have as representative an experience as possible, I tried my best to stick to my family’s died to borscht and bread and was in the process of figuring out how to exercise discretely. Solutions came on Friday when I went to the mall to go skating!

Can you believe it? Skating in Ukraine in May? The mall a few blocks from my house has an indoor skating rink and I was ecstatic for the opportunity to check it out. As quickly as my hopes raised, they were dashed when I rented skate so dull that I couldn’t actually skate or stop and was told that the owners wouldn’t sharpen them. However, I decided that this was something worth fighting for so I politely pleaded my case in English and charades. I ended up with skates at least sharp enough to make the corners.

When it comes to that experience, I really felt the power of sport.  Sport brings very different people together for a united goal or interest, with the only language necessary being that of the game. It also makes foreigners like myself feel at home and at ease, and there are few places in the world where I am as at ease as I am on the ice.

Skating was a nice break but I still felt awful – my whole body was weak from loss of fluids, travelling and emotional exhaustion. This led me to go for a run on Saturday because if I didn’t, I knew mu motivation would dwindle.

I threw in my earphones and I ran. I really only knew the park nearby and wasn’t in the mood for getting lost so I did laps around it listening to Mumford and Sons. It wasn’t long before tears were rolling down my face but I let it happen because crying would only add to the cardio. Before I knew it, I was bawling while running to songs like “White Blank Page,” and “Little Lion Man.” I let it all out and stopped caring about what people thought – I already stood out for being a woman exercising so I might as well do what I want. (Go big or go home . . . and I wasn’t going home.)

Anyway, I cried hard and I ran. And then I ran, far. I felt kind of like a hamster running in a cage, trapped somewhere I didn’t want to be. I wasn’t running away or anywhere really, I was just running. Then came “Heart of a Champion” on my playlist. This was one of Kristen’s pregame songs and reminded me that, in order for me to actually grown, I needed to push myself. Personally, I feel the need to experience sacrifice and pain to know that I can appreciate the good that can come of it. Everywhere, people are making sacrifices and experiencing challenges beyond their belief. I think of how my brother Ryan moved away to play hockey when he was 16, how my friend Chantal has spend a good potion of her life battling cancer, and how my grandma had to say goodbye to her true love. These are very strong people and I would like to believe that I am cut from the same cloth. So, with the heart of a champion, I found my strength, sprinted to the end of the song, and walked home with a new outlook.

A day on the town

Slavic took me to “the Centre” (the square in the middle of Ternopil) to meet my fellow students and tutors for a sightseeing tour. Monday, May 9 is Labour Day in Ukraine so the square was very busy with children, their parents and teenagers. Since then, I’ve noticed that Ukranians take a lot of pride in their music and crafts. Because these are such a huge part of the culture, there is some kind of celebration with music and crafts almost every other day.

Families (children especially) and religion also make up a huge part of Ukranian culture. This can be noted by the abundance of churches (one at every block so people can attend daily), and amount of adults that can be seen actively playing at the park with their kids. I think this is a worthwhile habit for western culture to pick up!

Ukranian culture was further solidified when we saw some of Ternopil’s monuments. My favourite was the one of the Mother standing with her arms out wide. Is it meant to symbolize the women saying that children are the future of the city, a mentality that is also very apparent in the living. There were also many war monuments – even the old army tanks substituted for jungle gyms in an area. As good as it was to learn some history of the area, it was erie to see children playing so naturally on the machines that killed so many people.

I really appreciated seeing that town but just couldn’t get into the touring mentality and wasn’t all that excited about anything I did, saw or ate. I really hoped that, since I had already been away from home for a while, this attitude was simply me exiting the honeymoon stage o being away and not a permanent state of culture shock.

Then came Brienne . . . the party has started!

A few hours after Jordan left, Brieanne arrived. Brieanne and I have an interesting relationship: We have some of the same morals and experiences – first year residence, very close with family, competitive high school athletes, work ethic, Beyond Borders, and our desire to learn and help to name a few – but also many different ones and a very different way of looking at things. I’ve noticed that, especially here in Ukraine, I tend to hesitate and analyze more. From Brieanne, I would like to learn to be more assertive but still keep my sensitivity and openness to people/ideas. I am excited to grow together, learn and support each other.

I was really happy to be greeting Brieanne at the airport. From the time I spent there, I saw many people come and go (departures are from the same room as arrivals) and couldn’t wait to be the set of arms to welcome her. I wasn’t sure how she would be feeling  (Would she be excited to be here or disappointed about leaving home?) but she seemed fine. She also had all the necessary gadgets to keep in touch – something I had overlooked because I didn’t think internet would be readily accessible.

After a traditional lunch of Ukranian fried chicken, potatoes and a token spoonful of cabbage (all delicious), we took a few pictures and waited for Kalyn, one of the students from Alberta. (The other student’s name is Chis. They will both be studying at the university for two months and then heading home.) Olena, our program coordinator in Ukraine, was nice enough to greet us at the airport and take us in a van to our host families.

My welcome was not nearly as warm as the other girl’s, possibly because it was the brother of the house that came to meet me rather than the mother. My host family is a family of 4: a mom (Mama), and dad (Tato) in their mid fifties, and their ~ 30yr old son and daughter. The daughter, Tanya, lives at the apartment and teaches German at the university I go to. The son, Slavic, is a surgeon that lives away on weekends but at home on the weekend. I get the feeling this set-up is not the norm because most people are married and having children by age 25, but do live at home if they are not married.

This family is very nice and they seem like old pros – apparently they’ve had people stay with them quite often. Denise lived here last year so they were very happy to talk about her experiences. It sounds like I have a lot to live up to!

For dinner, we ate delicious green borsche and potatoe perogies. We had rhubarb perogies and rhubarb cookies for dessert. Here, we don’t eat dinner together. Instead, you eat whenever the food is ready and then go about your business. It’s different from what I experienced at home and was not what I was expecting but I’ll get used to it. I tried to make some small talk but the dinner conversation ended up being a lot of thumbs up signs and smiling due to the language barrier. I sure am going to get good at charades!